Tuesday, June 21, 2005
hey so as u who read this kno i got dumped and i really dont kno wut to do i mean.......she was my whole world and then one day......she was jst not here ne more. we went on break for the second timeand i let her kno that i was afraid to have hope i kno that sounds pathetic but its true i was so scared to have it and to not have it cuz if i didnt , then everyday of the break would suck more then the last but if i had it then it would build up and bring me so high up off the ground and i would feel good but i kno and knew my luck and when we didnt get back together i just would have a longer fall before i hit rock bottom ya kno? i didnt want to build up momentum[spelling]and i told her that i mostlikely wasnt going to have the hope witch bit me in the ass 2 ways. one it made it seem like i didnt want to get her back and thats part of the reason she dumped me and two in all actuallity i ended up having more hope then i thought was possable and had one hell of a fall. i dont know about nething nemore everything feels like . i want to cry nonstop but i cant i couldnt even if i tried. this pain is just to real. i mean i tried and am still tring to tell myself that she is gone and that im over her but i am not britney so i just cant make myself believe my own lies. its me so much inside and out. and then othertimes like the other day it didnt seem like we had ever even gone on break cuz she kept kissing me at first it hurt so bad that i gave her things back so she would leave me alone and the only reason i wanted that is cuz i thought for sure i was gonna break down and cry my fukin eyes out. but when she walked over to britney i was somehow able to drain my welled up eyes on my shirt before a tear could break free and run for it. but then after the 3rd on it stoped hurting cuz like i said it no longer seemed we were apart. and then i kissed her a few times to. so dont think im tring to pass blame cuz its my fault that i feel like this.and she brought me into the bedroom to tell me something i thought and hoped it was gonna be that she missed me or wanted me back but once again hope busted my balls she wanted to tell me that she kissed some guy named zack. i pinky promised i wouldnt be mad at her and im not i wouldnt have been neway but as for zack well he better hope i never fukin see him again or rob will end up having to bring me assloads of candy canes. then later on she told me that she missed me and wanted to kno if there was ne chance of us getting back together and now i dont date people more then once cuz if it didnt work the first time then there is nothing telling me that it will work the second but with her........with her even if i spent the rest of my life with her untill the day i died it wouldnt be long enough...
i cant help but feel an urge to keep asking her out cuz i told her i would love to get back with her but she said not yet cuz she needs time to herself. and i have never been more confused as of wut to do cuz the reason i feel i should keep asking her out is cuz like i said before i kno my luck and while she is having her time to her self i just kno she is gonna get over me. and if i dont ask her she might star to think im not intrested nemore and go out with someone else thinking i dont care nemore. i dont think ive been this far down into the surrounding black abyse that is depression. but i have learned that hope is not my friend that it is only here to mess with my head but i cant stop being a push over for it i just..........
.....................i just dont kno wut do do now that she is gone....i never thought that being away from her would hurt this bad. and she asked me to tell her why i got so mad the first time she messed with me online and i want to tell her sooooo bad but i kno that it will come across as me trying to guilt trip her onto going out with me and i dont want to do that besides that would be the same as her going out with me out of pitty and pitty is the only thing i can think of that i as much as my self other then the way i feel right now.......i want to cut so bad but i just cant seem to get these hands off my wrists......
|| dosn't matter's satiated ||
1:42 AM
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